you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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