So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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