I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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