Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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