Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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