Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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