She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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