My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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