Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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