I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
not ubering you a puppy
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize