I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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