I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize