She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
