i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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