my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
