worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
