Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
