my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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