even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize