Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
we're so committed to being not committed
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
