why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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