Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I want her autograph on my taint
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
