the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
