Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
