I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
