No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my shit smells like andre
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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