Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
