At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
