what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
