I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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