Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
