i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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