Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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