Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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