I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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