Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
