he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
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