Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
