i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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