you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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