i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
