i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
