I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
