You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
