the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
