how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
