my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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