he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
