It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
