I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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