U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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