Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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