I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize