I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
How naked do you want me to be?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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