I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
