you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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