The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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