dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
