I CAN MOONWALK!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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