This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Randomize
