it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
His hands were made for my vagina.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
