I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
