Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I don't deserve a penis
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
