you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize