I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
