My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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