Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
